We need to talk about coaching.

The way we're doing it isn't working. Here's what might.

Quick note before we begin: this summer has been bonkers. For example:

• We’re doing a session today on becoming an Emergent Strategist. Traditional strategy can’t keep pace with the life emerging around us. Join us at this link at 12pm MT for a deep, interactive session on how to surf rather than swim.

• Josh Allan Dykstra, Nicole Ayres, and I have proposed a session for SXSW called “A World Without Bosses: It’s Possible, Here’s How”. Voting is underway, and I’d be grateful for your vote here. Also: Austin in March. It’s going to be beautiful.

• Lastly, the piece you’re reading discusses how I view coaching and why I believe it’s time to question our assumptions—whether we do what we do because it works or because it’s familiar. I have two openings for new clients who want to go on that journey, and I’ll have more to say at the end of the newsletter.

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When people say they’re looking for a coach, what are they really looking for?

Most people aren’t looking for a coach, by the way. And the ones who are ask someone they trust. It’s always possible someone will stumble on something a coach has written or said on a podcast, but that’s vanishingly rare.

So what are people really looking for? What do they want?

Hint: it’s not a one-hour meeting on their calendar each week to hunt around for enlightenment. It’s not clever questions that make them feel like they’re talking to Yoda on Dagobah. And it’s definitely not frameworks and productivity hacks they could find on Google or ChatGPT.

Let’s pause for a moment and acknowledge that this isn’t coaching.

It might be the delivery mechanism for coaching, but it’s not what people desperately need. If we’re really honest with ourselves, most of it’s trifling and annoying. That might piss you off if you’re a coach working that way, and it ought to piss you off if you’re on the client side of that equation.

We can do a lot better than this. And we need to.

We’re not therapists. Why are we working that way?

Most coaching has tended to work on a therapy-reminiscent model.

It makes sense—at least at first glance. We’re interested in stepping out of the flow of work and life to reflect patterns and help people gain insight. And sitting together 1:1 for a deeper dialogue is a logical way to do that.

It worked really well at one point, and it’s been working less well ever since.

You’ll probably roll your eyes if you hear “escalating pace of change” once more, but look around: everything is moving faster and faster. And we’re not going to move as fast as this manufactured society moves. We’re not meant to, and we don’t have to.

You could break yourself trying.

I believe this amped-up pace is asking us to to do some things we haven’t had to do at this level before. Specifically, it’s asking us to let go a little, trust a little, and consider that we may need to elevate our view. That means operating with less stress and more fluidity.

Know what’s more stressful and less fluid? Another damn meeting on your calendar.

Life happens faster than that, and we need to admit that this therapy-derived model is the slow way. It’s not slow in that deeply important “take a pause and go within yourself” way. It’s slow in the way of making our own growth something else to check off on the list so we can get on with our day.

This isn’t the only way.

Never mind what you do—what do people want?

Rich Litvin believes the majority of coaches won’t be coaches this time next year. That might be a good thing. We’re due for a massive leveling up of what this work is and what it does, and that means letting go of the old to make room for the new. And I believe that starts by being ruthlessly honest about one question coaches rarely ask:

What do people desperately want that they don’t yet have?

It isn’t more money, and it isn’t more time (but people usually believe it is). If you go a little deeper—you know, why they want those things—you’ll get a little closer to it. Stay in the question rather than taking the first answer.

Their second and third answers are where the work really is.

You want more money because you believe it’ll give you freedom. Resources to experience more in life. Freedom from worry and having to do things you don’t want to do. Status. Belonging. Validation. The feeling of the sun on your skin and the wind in your hair. Access. Ease.

But you can get someone more money and they still might not have those things.

Time’s the same deal. More time gives you more open space in your life to do what you imagine you’d do if you had more time. But you can get more time and still fill it with things that make you wish you had more time.

So what do people want that they don’t yet have?

People want to grow with life, not outside of it

When people spend money and time on coaching, they’re making a bet.

The bet’s that they will become a version of themselves they haven’t yet been. That version often tends to be more centered, effortlessly adept, ruthlessly clear. So of course we give them another meeting on their calendar, one shot to get it right each week, and some reflection that seems to distill down to “it depends”.

I’m making this bigger for effect, of course. But it feels like a bait-and-switch.

You almost certainly find insights and epiphanies in the weekly meeting. And it’s your job to help people get present and shift into that moment. You listen and reflect to expand their view and help them reach clarity.

But what do you get from insisting that this is the only way or even the best way?

When I started coaching 16 years ago, I took every opportunity to get clients outdoors—walks, hikes, skiing—and it wasn’t because I was wise or clear about what I’m sharing today. It was because I wanted to be outdoors, and a lot of them did too. But once we were there, the depth and the awareness were off the charts.

It seemed a little revolutionary at the time. Now it seems blazingly obvious.

I can’t tell you what a different form might look like for you, and I’m not one to tell you how to do your job (or to tell you to tell your coach how to do their job). But I’m inviting you to reflect on what the intention is, what its fit to life is, and how you might be unintentionally serving a structure that works against your intentions.

Here’s one way I’m doing that.

Adaptive, just-in-time coaching

Every client knows they can text or call anytime. Most don’t know how much I prefer it.

At the end of every session with every client, I always remind them: “If there is anything hot that comes up between now and next time, please text or call me. You might have the story that you're bothering me or taking advantage of my time, but it's the opposite. Helping you gives me joy, and when you let me help you closer to the moment of awareness about the help you need, I can help you even better. If you don't call me when these things happen, you're depriving me of joy.”

Funny, right?

But 100% true. When it happens, I get a little charge, a little excitement. I really do love helping people, and I noticed that helping people in these moments, what I call "flashpoints," feels really alive. It usually helps them to calm their nervous system, and then to begin implementing what we're doing in the moment.

These are the moments that get people what they really want.

The way I've begun to adapt to this awareness and to the pace of everything happening around us is to change up the coaching model. Most new clients coming in right now have a 2-hour deep dive session with me once a month, and then voice notes the rest of the time they reach out to me with a voice note about what's going on for them. I get a chance to hear the tone of their voice, hear what they're saying and not saying, and to reflect on it for a bit. Then I send them a voice note back. I also send a prompt on Monday morning to create awareness for the week ahead and a reflection prompt on Friday afternoon to integrate what they've learned during the week.

You’d be amazed how much better this works.

This is just one adaptation I've made lately, and I'm sure there will be more as life and relationships continue to evolve. What I notice about this one is that it seems to align with the way people work and live. And it works well for me too, because that means I can be more available to more people more of the time.

You might find a different way to do this. But whether you’re a coach or a client, the only way I believe is wrong is not to question what you’re doing at all.

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I have two openings right now for new clients. These are rare, and I’m excited to meet people who’ve already succeeded but suspect there’s another level of effectiveness, ease, and flow. If that’s you, hit “reply” and let’s see what wants to happen. And if I’m not what you need, I will help you find the partner who is.